In Gail Sheehy’s classic textbook of human
development, “Passages,” she discusses the various periods of life (“passages”)
one experiences as life evolves from infancy to advanced maturity. Youth, with its excitement of exploration and
discovery, inevitably leads to the highly productive middle years in which we
exercise with maximum energy our greatest creativity. It is during these middle passages (there are
various stages even within this middle period) that we create families,
fortune, and fame, and the challenges of creating drives us and keeps us at a
peak operating efficiency due primarily because we are young enough to be healthy
and physically able to handle the tasks of 24-hour parenting, planning, and
producing.
Coupled with this drive to create is a certain feeling of
indestructibility. Although an incomprehension of our mortality is evident from
the early days of youth, the compelling evidence which we observe on a regular
basis…deaths and illnesses of friends and loved ones combined with
life-changing accidents and events, has little impact on our personal
conviction that “none of these things will ever happen to me,” or “this thing
may happen to me, but it will be sometime far into the future.” This personal concept of indestructibility
can sometimes work toward a positive outcome and is why younger generations are
usually more willing risk takers. It is
the reason they don’t hesitate to attempt to beat the odds in physical
activities, business, or personal relations no matter how stacked against them
the odds may be.
Inevitably…and in the passages of life the
word “inevitably” is sprinkled throughout the entire life process, once we have
survived our years of maximum production and activity, the period of
deactivation begins. It is during this
period that working overtime no longer has great appeal regardless of the extra
pay, and, where an uneventful evening was once considered lost time, a quiet
evening at home is now highly anticipated.
The children have long since left the nest, and now there are
grandchildren visiting. The
grandchildren are loved dearly, and when they visit it is an exciting, joyous
time, but once children and grandchildren have said goodbye and gone back to
their home, we heave a big sigh of relief and collapse on the sofa.
The most anticipated event of this period
of life passage, however, is probably retirement from full-time work. Having worked fifty or more years on average
and hopefully been fortunate enough to have a retirement plan, the freedom from
a full time work obligation creates endless opportunities for activities which
have been put on the back burner for years due to work restraints. Travel, recreation, hobbies, and various
other enjoyable activities are now within reach, and the anticipation of this
“free time” is what motivates many experienced workers as they see their
retirement day approaching.
One of the beauties of retirement is the
clock ceases to be your master. No
longer burdened with the time requirements of employment, use of the clock’s
alarm pleasantly diminishes. Leisurely
breakfasts can be enjoyed at will, and each day becomes a blank schedule which
can be filled in at the whim of the retiree.
Want to be busy? Fill in the
schedule. Want to lay low? Keep it blank. It is a lifestyle almost incomprehensible to
the middle passage person with a full schedule of parenting, working, and
managing a home. Mention retirement to a
middle passage person and that same glazed-eye look appears on his/her face as
when we try to talk to children about finding jobs when they grow up.
At the same time, the challenge of
parenting, working, and managing a home, though we wistfully look forward to
the day when these obligations are passed, satisfies for the middle passage
person a critical requirement…a fulfillment of dependency. The drive for success during the middle
passages is fueled by the knowledge that others are dependent upon our productivity. Parents are driven to provide for their
children. An employee’s production
affects the success of his manager, and a manager affects the working
environment of his/her employees. In
short, we want someone to need us. We
strive to be good parents, employees, or managers because we would like to
think that someone needs us to do well.
Retirement, with all its free time, takes away this fulfillment. Since we are no longer productive members of
the workforce, there are no employees anxiously awaiting our management
decisions. There are no bosses anywhere
impatiently waiting for us to show up so the big problem of the day can be
solved Even at home, there are no
lunches to prepare for workers or students.
We can leave our schedules open for the day because no one needs us. That
perception can extend to family. With
children now grown and faced with fighting their own parenting wars with our
grandchildren, we feel that, though we may be concerned observers, we are not
required as our children carve out their own destinies.
The result of this perceived lack of need
can be a nagging depression, especially if the perception of uselessness is
within the home. Faced with a lack of
obligations, retirees can easily retreat within themselves to the point that
though a husband and wife have fought the parenting and working wars for years
together, once the battles have been survived, each one enters a personal
cocoon replete with his/her own personal activities, preferences, and
interests. Seldom sharing moments of
common interest, they intensify the isolation to the point that in time they
become strangers sharing only a roof over their heads.
In most cases, of course, this perceived
lack of need is just that…a perception.
Husbands and wives still love, children and grandchildren still love,
and friends are still friends. Psychologists, however, will attest that many of
our thoughts and actions are based on perceptions and not actual facts. With that in mind, retirees must initiate active
attempts to deflect any signs of depression encountered upon retirement by any
member of the household. During the middle passage years, there is a
feeling of camaraderie while a couple works together to raise a family and
provide for its general welfare, but upon entering the later passages when
retirement has come and the children have gone, that feeling of working
together for a common cause can vanish.
The truth is, that feeling needs to morph into a realization that close
personal support and companionship are needed more than ever. Their personal bonds of love and need,
cultivated years before during courtship and enriched during a life of sharing,
need to be strengthened, not weakened.
I penned the following poem the year I turned sixty years old. Although it was written pre-retirement, the gist of the message still applies today.
Nothing Rhymes with Sixty!
Nothing rhymes with sixty as one
turns the annual page.
Nothing rhymes with sixty. It’s an awkward, frustrating age!
Too young to be old; too old to
be young,
Obsessed with the fear your song’s already been sung.
The memories of the past grow
stronger, yet fade,
While the future once dreamed
seems fainter in life’s shade.
Helpless and hapless, trapped in
time’s ceaseless tide,
Then saved from the gloom by, “Hey Papaw! Come outside!”
The message becomes clear; it’s
not the future or past
But the present is where our
legacy is cast.
Children and grandchildren, the
love of a wife,
The closeness of a family…therein lies life.
With His hand to guide us as we
travel along
Everything rhymes with sixty…if
you play the right song.
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