It is clear to anyone who reads a newspaper or magazine or, for that matter, bothers to walk down the street (or go to Schlitterbahn) and observe humanity, that the
has a new disease du jour…obesity. Heart problems, cancer, muscular dystrophy…all these life-threatening diseases pale in comparison to obesity when we observe how the various professional medical associations react when they observe a…um…weight-challenged individual lumbering into McDonalds. I must confess, I am one of those poor creatures who has for the major portion of my life struggled with a weight problem. With the hysteria generated by the obesity issue, we are seeing society being divided into two camps: the politically correct, medically acceptable, weight optimum, happy person and the out-of-touch, health hazard, gross-weight-maxed-out porker. I say this with all the gentleness and delicacy I can muster, since I, too, occasionally fit into the second category. I have argued for years, however, that I am not overweight; I am just really dense. No, no, not that kind of dense…I mean, like you can have a block of Styrofoam and an equal sized block of steel, and the steel will be much heavier than the Styrofoam because its matter (particles, molecules) is much more compressed (dense.) That’s my situation…I am just very firmly packed together. Anyhow, that's my story and I'm sticking with it. Not many people are like my beloved daughter-in-law’s father, who was around six foot five and about as fat as a toothpick. Eddie could eat like a starved horse and never gain an ounce, whereas I can smell a cake baking in the oven and I start to gain a few ounces in anticipation. I can’t help but feel self-conscious and a little guilty when I’m around the Eddies of the world. United States
I am here to announce, however, that I have found a solution to the problem that all of us normal weight-challenged people face. And I want to thank my new hero, none other than Former President Barack Obama, for helping me come up with the answer to our unfortunate circumstances. Actually, it was his inspiration along with a news article I read this recently that gave me, like a revelation from on high, the road I need to take to assuage my dilemma. The article referred to a Texas court case of a few years ago that won millions (maybe billions, I can’t remember) of dollars from the tobacco companies because of all the pain and suffering they had caused to all those poor, innocent people who insisted, even after constant warnings, on smoking cigarettes to their dying days. The inspiration from the president came from a speech I heard him give during his presidency. He discussed the plight of various poor, unfortunate groups, some of whom had not held a steady job in four generations and comforted them with the pronouncement that "it wasn't their fault, but rather a failure of society." Can you imagine a son telling his dad he wants to get a job, and his dad saying, “Don’t do that, kid, they’ll reduce my welfare!” Anyway, in his infinite wisdom, our beloved former president revealed to me that the answer to my own personal tragic situation is…. "It’s not my fault!!" Yes, friends, society in its meanness has made me the weight-challenged (but proud of my heritage) person I am today.
But it’s time for payback!! Today I am announcing the beginning of a class-action suit against anyone who produces anything good to eat. Using the tobacco settlement as a precedent, it will be a slam dunk court case, and we’ll get millions. Because we all know, if it’s good to eat, it’s NOT good to eat (obesity-wise.) I am inviting all my friends and relatives to jump on the bandwagon in order to share the piles of money that will be dumped on us when we win our case. Pillsbury, Betty Crocker, Duncan Hines, Dunkin Donuts, KFC, Outback Steakhouse, Wendys, McDonald's, you name it, we’ll go after them all. Other people, of course, who contribute to our sad situations will be prosecuted on an individual basis. EXCEPT wives...after all, we have to live with our wives…I mean, get real. Peace in the family is worth a few million, and besides, have you ever tried to get money from a wife or mother?
The millions we receive, just like in the tobacco settlement, will go toward educating us about what to eat and to compensate us for being forced to eat all those German chocolate cakes, double meat, double-cheese hamburgers with extra grease, and gooey donuts. Those perpetrators of these unspeakable crimes cannot go unpunished! We can only hope, through education and our examples, that our children will be protected from these culinary predators. Personally, when I get my millions, I going to talk the talk and walk the walk. “If it tastes good, don’t eat it” will be my mantra, and in just a very short time I’ll be able to walk down the street and hear little kids say to their dads, “Daddy, why aren’t you healthy and slim like that man?” In fact, I could get started right now eating healthy things, but at this time of year? Are you serious? Think about it…summertime on the way...picnics...steaks, hamburgers, hot dogs, and ice cream...or is it the one with turkey, dressing, potatoes, rolls, cranberries, cakes, and pies? No, wait, that's in the fall. Regardless, I will soon be the poster boy for good health and anti-obesity…. starting...um...next month.